Why Is Norv Turner Still Employed?

The Oakland Raiders are taking years off my life. I'll be honest - I never thought this would happen. I remember just three years ago when I was full of hope for the future. I skipped class and practice to watch the Raiders get blown away at Super Bowl XXXVIII. I returned to campus to find my coach waiting outside my dorm: "Team captains dont skip practice for the NFL." The penalty was a 21 mile run (21 for the number of players in my stead) in the snow at 0500; I had to finish by 0715. This was the first time my Raider devotion was a negative force in my life and since that cold, snowy morning, I've been through three boyfriends, broken 3 ribs, 2 ankles, and an arm, suffered 2 concussions, and now spend September to January on the verge of stroking out. I blame my life's sad state of affairs on Al Davis and his braindead decision-making process.

Aside from: going for big-name hype over fundamental quality in order to perennially field a collection of parts that don't fit; hiring 20 defensive coordinators in 25 years; holding on to a 30-year defensive philosophy of a non-blitzing, 4-man rush attack with 7 in coverage; not signing or drafting an impact linebacker or pass rushing DE since Ted Hendricks and Howie Long; wasting draft picks on athletes who run fast but can't play; being satisfied with the worst linebacking corps in the NFL, as it sits behind an underachieving, overweight defensive line; failing to develop Billie Joe Hobert, Todd Marinovich, Major Harris, Steve Beuerlein; not needing the draft because of the addictive need to pick up expensive mediocrity like Jay Schroeder, Jeff Hostetler, Trace Armstrong, Warren Sapp, and Ted Washington; drafting 4th round talent in the first round thanks to piss-poor scouting; fielding a weak sauce rush attack; lying about the commitment to excellence; hiring retread puppets that can't coach their way out of a wet paper bag; watching quietly as the Raiders become the laughing stock of the NFL; letting Jon Gruden walk; not hiring Romeo Crennel; and allowing the slogan to remain "Just Win Baby" when it should be "We Used to Win, Baby," Al Davis' worst moves were were hiring Norv Turner and signing Kerry Collins.

Collins is an underachieving trainwreck that handles pressure about as well as Barney Fife. Outside of fantasy football (where he's the equivalent of the Stay-Puft Marshmallow man), his existence only offers value to the opposing team's defense. You'd think that if Randy Moss could get Chad Pennington into the NFL, he'd be able to turn Kerry Collins into a demigod but oh no. Collins' inability to turn big stats and huge plays into wins makes me wonder if we should be checking his bank account. Sadly, he's capable of three things: prancing to the sideline after pussing out in the pocket, tossing interceptions, and overthrowing everyone on the field by 15 yards. I'd ask for him to be replaced but we have no options. Maybe Phillip Rivers will be available soon. I'd rather take a flyer on a rookie with potential than waste another year with an inept pod who looks like he seeks out glory hole action in the restrooms of parks and truck stops. Okay.. maybe that wasn't fair. As for Norv, forget the fact that we're 1-9 in the AFC West in his tenure and are two games away from the first winless season in the division since 1962. He has about as much passion for the job as a piece of stale crust and he can neither control nor communicate with his players. As much as I want Kerry Collins to hit the road, I believe Norv is at least partly responsible for his incredible suckitude. Offensive genius or not, Turner has no business being a head coach. Maybe he can head east and hook up with Dave Wannstadt. They can relive their Jimmy Johnson glory days and craft up new ways to run Pitt into the ground.

There was an article in the Denver Post that speculated on the possibility of UCLA's Karl Dorrell replacing Turner at the end of the season. "The former Colorado and Broncos assistant is said to be garnering interest in the NFL after turning around the Bruins. Dorrell, the Broncos' receivers coach from 2000-02, would fit the profile sought by Davis. He's young, with an offensive background, has coached in the NFL in the AFC West and has California ties." If Davis hires this guy, it'll be more of the same. Dorrell was 12-13 against weak Pac10 competition coming into this season and this year, UCLA is nothing more than an overrated paper tiger. The Bruins had their manhood impugned by a 3-7 Arizona team, squeaked by Stanford and Washington State in OT, and needed late 4th quarter drives to beat Washington and Cal. I'd say that Dorrell, at the very least, needs more time to prove himself but knowing Al Davis, he drew up the paperwork after UCLA thumped Oklahoma in September.

Edit: And yes, I know the Raiders won yesterday. It's simply not good enough.