Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt Energy Drink

Are you drifting through your life of ass-kicking in a state of existential confusion, wandering aimlessly through the alleys and narrows of the underworld without that edge; without that charge that makes flipping out so much more enjoyable? I know I do.

While out last night dispensing justice on gangsters, ninjas, and various ne'er-do-wells, I started losing my edge. No longer was I able to take out my adversaries when punching them through plate glass windows. Hell, I could hardly break through the glass without bleeding my own blood. It was madness. I thought all was lost until I went to a 24-hour joint and spotted a familiar face on the side of a can. It was a face that had guided me through many adventures on aircraft carriers, jumbo jets, and random entanglements in nightspots with rapper sidekicks. It was none other than the fat master of divine harmony - Steven Seagal. And it was he that was the mastermind of Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt Energy Drink. Then I wondered, "what can Steven Seagal give me that a fierce blend of Gatorade, Mountain Dew, and Red Bull can't?" My initial thought was that I would spontaneously grow a fat gut and DMX would appear at my side so we could get out to the streets and right a wrong. But then I took a look at the can .. Each component of Lightning Bolt was carefully chosen by Steven Seagal to incorporate the greatest treasures of Asian medicine into an all natural energy boost. It's also the first energy drink made of 100% juice and it contains Tibetan Goji Berries and Asian Cordyceps. I didn't know what any of that was but it sure sounded impressive. At the very least, it could enlighten me Dalai Lama style. After downing a can, I was back to the streets for intense mortal kombat and other extreme situations involving max energy. By the time I reached my bed at sunrise, divine harmony in the universe had been achieved once again.

Whether you prefer the sweet goodness of Cherry Charge, the All-American fulfillment of Root Beer Rush, or the kung-fu punch of the Asian Experience, Steven Seagal provides a precisely blended, 100% all-natural elixer for lasting maximum performance when you are flipping out on evil or are simply in need of a quick hit of untold natural power. Get charged!