Adventures in Bending
After practice today, I had enough time for an outing to the hip artery of the Bend: Grape Road. My two destinations? Best Buy and Barnes & Noble; two seemingly hassle-free zones that solely exist to provide my father with yet another reason to lecture and harass me following the arrival of my bank statement each month. “Best Buy? What could you possibly need there?” After pausing for a moment, I say “Drugs, Papa… They just keep calling me.” My father, suspicious, peers at me but is soon off to his next question, “Barnes & Noble?” Truth be told, I am often hesitant to admit that my sole motivation for visiting is to see if I can manage a score amongst the plethora of goateed, pseudointellectual, latte-drinking, left-wing freak shows between the ages of 21 – 35. I don’t think my father would understand that this particular species of male can only be found where books and Starbucks are housed within the same collection of bricks and mortar.
In any case, while at B&N, I searched hopelessly for a particular Christmas gift for my boyfriend (sweetheart, disregard that sentence). Having already visited Customer Service once, my pride prevented me from returning, so, like any arrogant person who refuses to admit defeat, I wondered aimlessly through the aisles in hopes that “it” would catch my eye. While passing through the Biography section, I encountered a girl around 24 or so, who appeared to be a likely mate for the Noble Starbucks Male. She hacked profusely… this guttural, phlegmy cough that had me feeling nauseous. As most of you know, I’m a germophobe – these situations rarely bode well for my calm nature (yes, that was sarcasm). Departing the situation was goal #1. I tried to be sublte… sprinting out of the aisle was not the best solution. But as I walked, so did she. Through Biography, Poems, Essays, Science Fiction... wherever I was, The Cough managed to appear. I felt my lymph nodes tightening into Defcon 1. Then, all of a sudden, her phone rang. … I eavesdropped – of course. Perhaps she’d reveal the nature of her disease and I could get to SB Memorial stat. “Well I have just got to put this sick thing down, curl up with a book, and do laundry……….it’s not like I have any health insurance yet…. I’m gonna call Steak & Shake and ask for the day off.” (What? How about you take a day off from society and go back to your Petri dish apartment! GAH!) I power-walked in the opposite direction. .... 15 minutes later, I had to visit the loo. While there, I heard my fellow restroomer laughing it up in her stall. I found nothing amusing while in my stall. Perhaps the other one was decorated with a cool poster of jokes. I washed my hands for extra time just to see what was going on… and then she emerged. The Germ Girl and she had a book in hand! Reading in the loo! Who does such things? I quickly left but when I saw her come out a few seconds later, she put the book back on one of the shelves! I was horrified and promptly told on her to the B&N staff like a bratty 8-year old girl. They confronted her and forced her to buy it - and rightfully so! Coughing on people… putting toilet books back on the shelves. Justice served.
On my way to the car, I got a call from Justin – we needed eggs and milk, could I pick some up? Of course and since I needed wrapping paper anyway, I went to Wal-Mart. Since the snow squalls had arrived, I didn't want to rought it and park far away. So, I did what any lazy bumkas would do in my position - Vehicular Parking Lot Stalking. I spotted the target - feeble, white-haired, and contemplative, he wore a patched tweed sports coat, corduroy pants, and bow tie. Perhaps he worked at the museum with Indiana Jones. All that said, he certainly fit the bill for your typical close parker. I crept along in my Jeep (unnoticed, I'm sure) as he hoofed it through the squalls but something was wrong. We passed the handicap spots and the oversized sedans with Florida plates… the Lincoln Towncar, the Cadillac Deville, the Buick LeSabre -- all were no go for takeoff and with a fleet of SUVs and Dodge Neons ahead, we were running out of Early Bird Special possibilities. Finally, we arrived at a PT Cruiser with a sunroof... who was this guy? Ah, who cares. PT Cruisers are, quite possibly, the ugliest vehicles known to man today. As he drove off, I gave him the "thanks for the primo spot" wave and parked. While getting out of the car, I noticed a blue and grey building far off in the horizon. Wal-Mart. I stalked this old fool to the edge of oblivion ...
Perhaps it had to be thus.
In any case, while at B&N, I searched hopelessly for a particular Christmas gift for my boyfriend (sweetheart, disregard that sentence). Having already visited Customer Service once, my pride prevented me from returning, so, like any arrogant person who refuses to admit defeat, I wondered aimlessly through the aisles in hopes that “it” would catch my eye. While passing through the Biography section, I encountered a girl around 24 or so, who appeared to be a likely mate for the Noble Starbucks Male. She hacked profusely… this guttural, phlegmy cough that had me feeling nauseous. As most of you know, I’m a germophobe – these situations rarely bode well for my calm nature (yes, that was sarcasm). Departing the situation was goal #1. I tried to be sublte… sprinting out of the aisle was not the best solution. But as I walked, so did she. Through Biography, Poems, Essays, Science Fiction... wherever I was, The Cough managed to appear. I felt my lymph nodes tightening into Defcon 1. Then, all of a sudden, her phone rang. … I eavesdropped – of course. Perhaps she’d reveal the nature of her disease and I could get to SB Memorial stat. “Well I have just got to put this sick thing down, curl up with a book, and do laundry……….it’s not like I have any health insurance yet…. I’m gonna call Steak & Shake and ask for the day off.” (What? How about you take a day off from society and go back to your Petri dish apartment! GAH!) I power-walked in the opposite direction. .... 15 minutes later, I had to visit the loo. While there, I heard my fellow restroomer laughing it up in her stall. I found nothing amusing while in my stall. Perhaps the other one was decorated with a cool poster of jokes. I washed my hands for extra time just to see what was going on… and then she emerged. The Germ Girl and she had a book in hand! Reading in the loo! Who does such things? I quickly left but when I saw her come out a few seconds later, she put the book back on one of the shelves! I was horrified and promptly told on her to the B&N staff like a bratty 8-year old girl. They confronted her and forced her to buy it - and rightfully so! Coughing on people… putting toilet books back on the shelves. Justice served.
On my way to the car, I got a call from Justin – we needed eggs and milk, could I pick some up? Of course and since I needed wrapping paper anyway, I went to Wal-Mart. Since the snow squalls had arrived, I didn't want to rought it and park far away. So, I did what any lazy bumkas would do in my position - Vehicular Parking Lot Stalking. I spotted the target - feeble, white-haired, and contemplative, he wore a patched tweed sports coat, corduroy pants, and bow tie. Perhaps he worked at the museum with Indiana Jones. All that said, he certainly fit the bill for your typical close parker. I crept along in my Jeep (unnoticed, I'm sure) as he hoofed it through the squalls but something was wrong. We passed the handicap spots and the oversized sedans with Florida plates… the Lincoln Towncar, the Cadillac Deville, the Buick LeSabre -- all were no go for takeoff and with a fleet of SUVs and Dodge Neons ahead, we were running out of Early Bird Special possibilities. Finally, we arrived at a PT Cruiser with a sunroof... who was this guy? Ah, who cares. PT Cruisers are, quite possibly, the ugliest vehicles known to man today. As he drove off, I gave him the "thanks for the primo spot" wave and parked. While getting out of the car, I noticed a blue and grey building far off in the horizon. Wal-Mart. I stalked this old fool to the edge of oblivion ...
Perhaps it had to be thus.
posted by Flash at 12/13/2004 11:37:00 PM
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