Super Bowl Predictions: Mascot Style
Rather than go through the usual pickem nonsense based on actual skills, records, coaches, and situations, I have decided to use only mascots as my guide to finding the 2005 Super Bowl Champion. It's likely that my picks will let me down before the night is out but I really don't care - this is fun :)
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Wild Card Weekend
St. Louis Rams at Seattle Seahawks
I know the Seahawk has the ability to dip, dive, and peck but when he leasts expects it, the Ram will charge and whap the Seahawk out of the air, run over, stomp him to bits.. and eat him.
Winner: Rams
New York Jets at San Diego Chargers
This is a toss-up, as Jets have radar and weather equipment that enables them to escape and avoid thunderstorms carrying big Bolts of lightning. But let's be honest - you never know when and where one of those nasty bastards is going to strike! It could fly out of heaven and smite a Jet right through its engine and there'd be nothing left for the Jet to do but spiral to the earth. That's a pretty grisly fate everyone. Plus, I need a reason to wear my LaDainian Tomlinson jersey for the next month.
Winner: Chargers
Denver Broncos at Indianapolis Colts
I'm pretty sure a Colt is a newborn horse... and a bronco is a wild horse out of the American west. I don't like how this mascot matchup works out because, well, there are these Colts named Peyton Manning, Marvin Harrison, Reggie Wayne, Brandon Stokely, and Dwight Freeney and I think they'd tear a healthy Bronco to bits. But that's not mascot reality so.....
Winner: Broncos
Minnesota Vikings at Green Bay Packers
Vikings are horned-helmeted looters, pillagers, and plunderers that kicked ass Apache-style all over Scandinavia, the British Isles, and the Northern Atlantic. You can't have anything but respect for a group of warriors that had a fighting class called the "berserks" - people that worked themselves into a battle frenzy so intense that they bit on the edges of their shields and could even ignore the pain of wounds. Nice. Packers are blue-collar workers. See, Curly Lambeau and this guy named George Calhoun thought it'd be pretty slick to get a football team together. They talked Lambeau's employer (a war-time industry called the Indian Packing Company) into putting up the cash for jerseys. Lambeau worked there as a shipping clerk for $250 a month. Since the company provided jerseys and permitted the use of its athletic field for practice, the club was identified in its early publicity as a project of the company. With this tie-in the name "Packers" was a natural, and Packers they have been ever since, although Indian Packing faded out of the picture before that first season was half over. Brett Favre is the man, there is no disputing this... but he doesn't have the backing of Odin, Thor, Brunhilde and all the Valkyries... he has the swiss cheese defense. That said, I hope Brett & the Gang send the Vikings to Valhalla on a shutter.
Winner: Vikings
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Divisional Playoffs
San Diego Chargers at New England Patriots
Lightning is the underrated killer. Lightning and LaDainian are fascinating to watch, but they are also extremely dangerous. It claims more victims each year than do snowstorms, hurricanes, and tornadoes. Further, it keeps a low profile as the second largest weather-related killer, usually striking one person at a time. Only floods, which can wipe out towns, kill more people. That said, lightning is up against the Minutemen, blokes that are smart enough to know how to avoid lightning strikes... or are they? On July 9, 2001, a man in REVERE, Massachusetts was out walking his dog and was smote from above but that was his bad for being out and about during a thunderstorm. I don't think there'll be a thunderstorm in Foxboro on this day. A flutter or two from the sky? Sure - but nothing that'll hit the ground. And even if a bolt does happen to strike once or twice, the Pats can look to history for a remedy. Ben Franklin, Mr. Patriot, was the first to engage in the mighty battle between the bolt and man. He won that in a route, taming an electric force with a kite and a key. All the Pats have to do is throw down a Franklin r--, err, a lightning rod and it's over.
Winner: Patriots
Denver Broncos at Pittsburgh Steelers
The Pittsburgh Steelers used to be called the Pittsburgh Pirates. That'd be a pretty formidable opponent in this situation, as I think Pirates would have no trouble reigning in a horse. But Steelers are pretty nasty as well. If you don't think an ass-kicking, sneering, Pennsylvania steelworker can't tame a horse, you're high.
Winner: Steelers
Minnesota Vikings at Philadelphia Eagles
Vikings have bows and arrows and big fire pits to cook up the eats. Plus, an eagle named T.O. was already shot down by a Cowboy named Roy Williams.
Winner: Vikings
St. Louis Rams at Atlanta Falcons
Much like the face-off between the Rams and the Seahawks. The falcon is a master of the hunt, dip, dive, and attack but come on. It's gonna have to attack a ram for 8 days before causing significant damage.
Winner: Rams
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Conference Championships
New England Patriots at Pittsburgh Steelers
The Patriots smoked the red coats through makeshift guerilla warfare and smooth strategies. I know the Steelers are soot-covered, bad asses and I know they can chomp down a Pennsylvania Rare like it's an apple but in the end, they aren't in the type of shape to get by crafty, determined rebels fighting for freedom.
Winner: Patriots
Minnesota Vikings at St. Louis Rams
Man with many weapons vs. Beast with horns.
Winner: Vikings
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Super Bowl
New England Patriots vs. Minnesota Vikings
Though this is a war of man on man, the Vikings are fighting with one hand tied behind their backs. Spears, axes, bows and arrows... I don't think so. The Patriots have muskets, guerilla warfare, and George Washington. Who's on the Vikings' side? Eric the Red?
Winner: Patriots
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My (un)real(istic) picks:
St. Louis Rams at Seattle Seahawks: Rams
New York Jets at San Diego Chargers: Chargers
Denver Broncos at Indianapolis Colts: Colts
Minnesota Vikings at Green Bay Packers: Packers
San Diego Chargers at Pittsburgh Steelers: Steelers
Green Bay Packers at Michael Vick Falcons: Packers
St. Louis Rams at Philadelphia Eagles: Eagles
Indianapolis Colts at New England Patriots: Colts
Green Bay Packers at Pittsburgh Steelers: Packers
Indianapolis Colts at Philadelphia Eagles: Colts
Super Bowl Winner: Colts
*Yes! I really do believe this could happen!*
====================================
Wild Card Weekend
St. Louis Rams at Seattle Seahawks
I know the Seahawk has the ability to dip, dive, and peck but when he leasts expects it, the Ram will charge and whap the Seahawk out of the air, run over, stomp him to bits.. and eat him.
Winner: Rams
New York Jets at San Diego Chargers
This is a toss-up, as Jets have radar and weather equipment that enables them to escape and avoid thunderstorms carrying big Bolts of lightning. But let's be honest - you never know when and where one of those nasty bastards is going to strike! It could fly out of heaven and smite a Jet right through its engine and there'd be nothing left for the Jet to do but spiral to the earth. That's a pretty grisly fate everyone. Plus, I need a reason to wear my LaDainian Tomlinson jersey for the next month.
Winner: Chargers
Denver Broncos at Indianapolis Colts
I'm pretty sure a Colt is a newborn horse... and a bronco is a wild horse out of the American west. I don't like how this mascot matchup works out because, well, there are these Colts named Peyton Manning, Marvin Harrison, Reggie Wayne, Brandon Stokely, and Dwight Freeney and I think they'd tear a healthy Bronco to bits. But that's not mascot reality so.....
Winner: Broncos
Minnesota Vikings at Green Bay Packers
Vikings are horned-helmeted looters, pillagers, and plunderers that kicked ass Apache-style all over Scandinavia, the British Isles, and the Northern Atlantic. You can't have anything but respect for a group of warriors that had a fighting class called the "berserks" - people that worked themselves into a battle frenzy so intense that they bit on the edges of their shields and could even ignore the pain of wounds. Nice. Packers are blue-collar workers. See, Curly Lambeau and this guy named George Calhoun thought it'd be pretty slick to get a football team together. They talked Lambeau's employer (a war-time industry called the Indian Packing Company) into putting up the cash for jerseys. Lambeau worked there as a shipping clerk for $250 a month. Since the company provided jerseys and permitted the use of its athletic field for practice, the club was identified in its early publicity as a project of the company. With this tie-in the name "Packers" was a natural, and Packers they have been ever since, although Indian Packing faded out of the picture before that first season was half over. Brett Favre is the man, there is no disputing this... but he doesn't have the backing of Odin, Thor, Brunhilde and all the Valkyries... he has the swiss cheese defense. That said, I hope Brett & the Gang send the Vikings to Valhalla on a shutter.
Winner: Vikings
-----------------------------------
Divisional Playoffs
San Diego Chargers at New England Patriots
Lightning is the underrated killer. Lightning and LaDainian are fascinating to watch, but they are also extremely dangerous. It claims more victims each year than do snowstorms, hurricanes, and tornadoes. Further, it keeps a low profile as the second largest weather-related killer, usually striking one person at a time. Only floods, which can wipe out towns, kill more people. That said, lightning is up against the Minutemen, blokes that are smart enough to know how to avoid lightning strikes... or are they? On July 9, 2001, a man in REVERE, Massachusetts was out walking his dog and was smote from above but that was his bad for being out and about during a thunderstorm. I don't think there'll be a thunderstorm in Foxboro on this day. A flutter or two from the sky? Sure - but nothing that'll hit the ground. And even if a bolt does happen to strike once or twice, the Pats can look to history for a remedy. Ben Franklin, Mr. Patriot, was the first to engage in the mighty battle between the bolt and man. He won that in a route, taming an electric force with a kite and a key. All the Pats have to do is throw down a Franklin r--, err, a lightning rod and it's over.
Winner: Patriots
Denver Broncos at Pittsburgh Steelers
The Pittsburgh Steelers used to be called the Pittsburgh Pirates. That'd be a pretty formidable opponent in this situation, as I think Pirates would have no trouble reigning in a horse. But Steelers are pretty nasty as well. If you don't think an ass-kicking, sneering, Pennsylvania steelworker can't tame a horse, you're high.
Winner: Steelers
Minnesota Vikings at Philadelphia Eagles
Vikings have bows and arrows and big fire pits to cook up the eats. Plus, an eagle named T.O. was already shot down by a Cowboy named Roy Williams.
Winner: Vikings
St. Louis Rams at Atlanta Falcons
Much like the face-off between the Rams and the Seahawks. The falcon is a master of the hunt, dip, dive, and attack but come on. It's gonna have to attack a ram for 8 days before causing significant damage.
Winner: Rams
-----------------------------------
Conference Championships
New England Patriots at Pittsburgh Steelers
The Patriots smoked the red coats through makeshift guerilla warfare and smooth strategies. I know the Steelers are soot-covered, bad asses and I know they can chomp down a Pennsylvania Rare like it's an apple but in the end, they aren't in the type of shape to get by crafty, determined rebels fighting for freedom.
Winner: Patriots
Minnesota Vikings at St. Louis Rams
Man with many weapons vs. Beast with horns.
Winner: Vikings
-----------------------------------
Super Bowl
New England Patriots vs. Minnesota Vikings
Though this is a war of man on man, the Vikings are fighting with one hand tied behind their backs. Spears, axes, bows and arrows... I don't think so. The Patriots have muskets, guerilla warfare, and George Washington. Who's on the Vikings' side? Eric the Red?
Winner: Patriots
-----------------------------------
My (un)real(istic) picks:
St. Louis Rams at Seattle Seahawks: Rams
New York Jets at San Diego Chargers: Chargers
Denver Broncos at Indianapolis Colts: Colts
Minnesota Vikings at Green Bay Packers: Packers
San Diego Chargers at Pittsburgh Steelers: Steelers
Green Bay Packers at Michael Vick Falcons: Packers
St. Louis Rams at Philadelphia Eagles: Eagles
Indianapolis Colts at New England Patriots: Colts
Green Bay Packers at Pittsburgh Steelers: Packers
Indianapolis Colts at Philadelphia Eagles: Colts
Super Bowl Winner: Colts
*Yes! I really do believe this could happen!*
posted by Flash at 1/08/2005 07:42:00 PM
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