Foghorn Rocker

John Rocker, the overgrown frat boy and previously unrepentant redneck that slurred and sulked his way through the 2000 baseball season, has re-surfaced in Central Islip, as a pitcher for the Long Island Ducks. That's right, Long Island :) If he does well, he might find himself with a contract from the Mets. In a fascinating coincidence, he no longer possesses any ill feelings toward New Yorkers and wants to "bury the hatchet."

Here's a recap of his "old" feelings (I like to read it with a Foghorn Leghorn voice.. it's much more enjoyable):

On ever playing for a New York team: "I would retire first. It's the most hectic, nerve-racking city. Imagine having to take the [Number] 7 train to the ballpark, looking like you're [riding through] Beirut next to some kid with purple hair next to some queer with AIDS right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids."

On New York City itself: "The biggest thing I don't like about New York are the foreigners. I'm not a very big fan of foreigners. You can walk an entire block in Times Square and not hear anybody speaking English. Asians and Koreans and Vietnamese and Indians and Russians and Spanish people and everything up there. How the hell did they get in this country?"

As Foggy would say, "This boy's as strong as an ox...and almost as smart." Think he's changed? Me neither. But his return to baseball isn't any concern to me. People that get stuck with lifelong labels suffer in a hell that I can't begin to fathom. While I'd probably prefer to be known as a knob polisher than a bigoted degenerate, neither fate is favorable and he's probably received enough punishment. But my hope is that he's learned how to shut his face and let his pitching do the talking... allow his pitching to spark a rivalry. I remember his 95-mph fastball and that nasty slider that seemed to hang just "right there," screaming "Crush me!" at every batter, only to veer off like a whiffle ball on a windy day. I wonder if he can do it again. I doubt it.

So, how did this come about, you ask? After being sent to the minors, called back up, shipped off to Cleveland, then to Texas, back down to the minors, in and out of Klan meetings, and then off to the surgery table for rotator cuff repair, John Rocker has been shopping his services. Apparently he had offers from numerous organizations (that have yet to identify themselves) but chose to schlep his skills all the way to Babylon to make his paper. Duck's owner, Frank Boulton, made him an offer based on the WWJP2D principle... Simply put, it was the Christian thing to do.

"I took all of this in and I asked myself: Does he deserve another chance?" Boulton said. "I'm a Catholic. I went to Villanova. I was watching all those people lining up this week to see the Pope and I wondered, 'What would the Pope do?' He would give him another chance.

John Rocker: Irony's bitch.


*Credit to Matt Geiger for the amazing Rocker picture