From the Male Fantasy Files..

Penelepe Cruz regrets grabbing pal, Salma Hayek's, backside at a recent press conference for their new movie, Banditas. "I grabbed Salma's ass just to keep things moving, because everyone was a little slow. And, of course, the energy changed when I did that." That wasn't a change in energy, Penelope. That was the stirring breeze created by 40 simultaneous hard-ons. To make matters more interesting, Cruz also insists that she had the flu, which in turn, made her delirious and that is what really what caused her hand to linger.

Hmm... First she's keeping things moving and then she has the flu. Now, I've had the flu many a time. It causes confusion, delusion, and hallucination. It's a mad devil. I thought my Yankees hat was flying once. Turns out one of my roommates was walking out of my room with it on his head. There was another time when I was sure my 3 foot plush Tigger doll was talking to me... and only me. But I also had a 103 degree temperature and was completely out of my mind, forgetting that whenever you touch Tigger's chest, he spouts out any one of 12 available phrases. "IIIIII'M TIGGER!" left me relatively frightened for hours. But through all these insane moments, never have I reached out to caress boobs, tubes, chests, or butts in a delirious fog. Those things aren't on your mind when you're delirious! Remember when Dumbo got drunk at the circus?? THAT's what being delirious is like. Now, if the grabbing of butts while drunk with delirium is, in fact, a legitimate phenomenon, then I offer profuse apologies to anyone that's done such a thing to me and slurred, "Whoa! Was that your ass? My bad... I'm SO drunk!" Hey, it's a-okay. You were delirious.

"There are magazine covers in Mexico describing us as these lesbians because of that. A lot of people were saying we were lovers."

Perish the thought. I guess it's only fair that we assume that Penelope is the postergirl for this incredible, delirious ass-grabbing affliction... Either that or she felt queasy and needed a firm, round support structure to steady her balance. I mean, it certainly couldn't be that Salma Hayek has a ridiculously incredible ass and anyone, be they gay or straight, would like to cop a feel.

Fess up Penelope. You know you liked it.