Lord of the Idiots

The 2004 BoSox had players with intangible qualities that I wished I could root for.. that I wished had been wearing pinstripes. Johnny Damon was one of those players. I didn't like the whole caveman thing and I openly bashed him because I'm immature and annoyed that he doesn't play for New York but I like his heart.. I like his grit. And apart from being a member of the World Champion Boston Red Sox (this is the first time I've said that without being overcome with nausea), I've never had a valid reason to dislike him. Until now.

In interviews, Damon always seemed rather charming and friendly. When he spoke of his love for the game, Boston, and his twin 5-year-olds, I thought, "Good guy. Wrong team." At times I even lamented that he played for the Sox... secretly wishing that he'd somehow occupy Bernie Williams' ever-aging body and revitalize the glove at centerfield. No one can deny that he plays the outfield like a gazelle... he doesn't have the strongest arm and his OBP isn't great but, hey, maybe it'd be worth it.

But then someone called my attention to the following Damon quote: "'Idiot' is considered a cool term now— you know, Green Day came out with its "American Idiot" song. Idiots have a whole different image now. Being the village idiot doesn't seem so bad anymore. When we thought about the Yankees and what we were up against, we really weren't that good. But when we just went out there and played and didn't give a shit about anything, we really did well." After reading it, I shook my head... Obviously he struggles with lyrical interpretation but what can one really expect from somebody that appears to be better off hopping on the USA Network train with Huckleberry Hound? I gave it all a laugh and dismissed it... that is, until I discovered that Johnny authored a book. At first I thought, anytime there are more books about a championship team than there are players on said team, the squad could be in trouble. That's good for the Yankees, so hurrah! But then I figured, hey, he's probably writing about being a complete waste of space for the bulk of the ALCS until a Lazarus style resurrecton made him a hero. Sadly, that notion did not last. Johnny's book reveals him to be anything but the dimpled, moronic caveman many have come to respect and love. What's new, right? He's a professional athlete...

(After telling his wife to leave their home near Boston and go back to Orlando, wifey came back against his wishes): I told her, "There's no reason for you to be here' ... Just to push her buttons I added, "I was with three more girls while you were gone."

"If you're good-looking and a ballplayer, girls want a piece of you [Look at the big brain on Johnny!]. For the rest of the (2002) season, I met some women, some good, some bad. I had some one-nighters that I had never gotten to experience before. It was fun. I ended up having to carry around a separate cell phone for the women to call me. I didn't want them to have my main number because my phone would have been ringing off the hook and it just got tiring."

After I broke it off with one woman, she told me, 'I don't mind if you see other girls, too.' Most women weren't so flexible. [Oh that's a shame!] I remember one who was clearly a one-night stand who'd call me up and tell me she'd told all her friends we were dating ... One other time, I was propositioned by two girls at once, but I passed. Two girls might be able to handcuff me and kill me. [You don't kill the cashcow, Johnny] Mostly, they just want more of your life than you can give them. I'm sure some of them wanted to get pregnant."

“I wanted to live, have fun, not pick out furniture.”

Ohhhh Johnny :-(

Clearly Johnny is not just an idiot but also a classless moron. It's not his activities that agitate me (well they're bad news but I have enough skeletons that I can't judge)... it's the way he brags in hardcover; beaming with pride for kicking his partner of 15 years to the curb in exchange for 3 years of readily available ass, only to find himself locked down - again - in a furniture picking situation that he thinks will work out.

I think I found the right girl. She captured everything about me— - my eyes and my heart. I think I've found a winner.

Such glowing reviews... I hope she's still a winner after the warranty runs out on her new tits.