Glazer Buys Manchester United, UK to Riot Soon

The heart and soul of Gaychester United has been sold to the devi-, er, an American. Pardon me while I laugh! It makes me positively giddy that Malcolm Glazer, the owner of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, has taken majority ownership of Man U (71.8% to be exact) and knows absolutely nothing about football. Apparently Joel, his son, fellow football ignoramus, and "avid fan" (yeah right), will run the day-to-day operations of the club and, in so doing, put the club into the red (pardon the pun).

Glazer will borrow £540m to complete the deal, £265m of which will be attached to Manchester United's assets.

On one hand, I'm worried. Though I hate United with every fibre of my being and will continue to do so until the day I die and get shipped off to hell (Where I'll continue to hate them), they are an English football institution that should never be tampered with in such an obscene manner. I want the Red Devils to meet their demise at the feet of The Arsenal and not some American swooping in to satiate his lust for green and power. It won't be long before the club is delisted from the London Stock Exchange, ticket prices soar, all debt taken on in this gargantuan deal is transferred to the club, and Old Trafford is sold off to the highest bidder. Fans are threatening to boycott games and season tickets, while sorry saps like Fergie and Gil could be left for dead. This is a truly sad day for football. I suppose the only "good" thing that can result from this nonsense is more Red Devil merchandise sold on this side of the pond. While idiots that don't know anything will say, "But that's good exposure for soccer!" I say, sod off. 90% of Man U fans aren't good for anybody... they're much like your run of the mill Yankee (also acceptable fill-ins: Notre Dame, Lakers, Duke, Red Wings) fan that 1) doesn't realize the Bombers exist until October when it's cool to be a fan and you get to sport a Yankee knit cap, 2) is insufferable, fairweather, ignorant and has two abilities: pointing out 26 and 1918, or 3) roots for the Yanks because Derek Jeter and A-Rod are hot [See: David Beckham].

But let me stop. I'm starting to sound like a sobbing United tart and as a respectable Britican woman, that is simply unacceptable.

For now, let's take some time to rejoice in their pain:


Weep, you sorry bastards, weep!!! Let the lesson be learned: You should have cheered for The Arsenal! Fucking wankers.

All things bright and beautiful
All creatures great and small
Arsenal will win the FA Cup and Man U won't win fuck all
Cos we are the Arsenal and we are the best
We are the Arsenal so fuck all the rest