78th Annual Scripps National Spelling Bee

The greatest competition for homeschooled fundamentalists and Computer Indians was held today in Washington DC. I pulled for Aliya Robin Deri, a disheveled, seemingly normal 8th-grader but had my money on the 11-year-old smart ass that taunted the judges because the words were not only French but also too easy ["YES! If this is the word I think it is, I know it already!" "YES! I've seen this before" "YES! It's French, isn't it? All the words I get are French... and I know them!"], while also providing the competitions only "You Got Served" moment. After spelling "Akaryote" (i think), he sat down and, with all seriousness, pointed at the remaining 2 finalists as if to say, "What now, bitches?!" It all seemed a bit much, especially for a kid named Samir Patel that attends the Patel Achievement Academy (how much do you want to bet that this is a house?) I questioned why the Bee Enforcers tolerated this behaviour until the camera panned to Samir's mother, a large, fearsome woman that was probably equipped with bamboo sticks. I suppose his coming in 2nd was punishment enough.

In any case, I'm skipping the opportunity to crack on these kids for things like: "He likes to read the Bible;" "He likes to disassemble items;" "He recently completed an independent research study of the more than 6,000 Indo-European languages and dialects" because I realize that had I not been a dyslexic that couldn't read [I can read now, fear not. And being an alcoholic Jewpache helped me spell 2 words right that they didn't get! Rathskeller - a basement tavern, and Ulpan - an intensive Hebrew language study program for immigrants to Israel], I could have easily been one of these goobers. That said, I have 2 concerns:
1) Some girl misspelled a word that was hard. The Beecaster said, "She wasn't even close, she's headed off to the comfort room." She said it so matter of factly.. what crazy happening 20 years ago necessitated the existence of a comfort room? Did a homeschooler fundie go crazy after his 4th futile attempt at unseating the Computer Indians from power? They dominated the Bee the way Chinese Taipei owned the Little League World Series. I figure a place to console the losers is needed in a situation like that. I wonder if a psychiatrist is there.. if his desk is between the pizza table and the "First & Last Chance to Lose Your Virginity" bed. I imagine Stuart Smalley in a corner, preparing to disseminate tools to help them deal with their parents, the Texas Cheerleader Moms of Intelligentsia. It has to be rough reading and re-reading the dictionary, enduring 8 hours of spelling practice each day for years only to lose because you left out an "R." I missed a 5-yard goal in the waning moments of a Final Four that will haunt me for the rest of my life but I have a feeling that the "R" is far more traumatic. Their chance for glory is toast, as they'll be relegated to Spell Bowl teams and the world of Mathletes, Decathletes, and Quiz Bowlers. The joy of achievement in these pursuits will pale in comparison to the rush, the thrill, the glory felt in front of that crowd at Scripps. These kids will need more than a comforting room. They'll be in therapy for years... if anything, to prepare them for the day they get to MIT or Yale and realize they aren't special.
2) The word was Meissen. The kid jacked it up even after receiving the country of origin, definition, sentence, extra time, a donut, and alternate pronunciations. And that's when Beecaster, Chris McKendry, shouted, "Oh no! And he was a favorite!" This isn't fuckin playoffs! The Spurs aren't at the Spelling Bee. You can either spell or you can't. These kids finish 40th-one year and 1st the next and all because of that bloody "R." Don't tell me one of them is more adept than the others at handling words of Russian origin that define 18th century Japanese music terms. These beecasters need to get it together.

And with that, I'm hypocritically picking my favorite for 2006: Samir Patel is gonna tear shit up.