Deep Throat Sucks

So here's what we KNEW about Deep Throat: He was a still-living man that smoked and dug Scotch. I like to think he was Johnnie Walker Blue Label or a Chivas man but on a government salary, one can only hope. We also knew that he held an extremely sensitive position in the executive branch and was, according to Bob Woodward, "an incurable gossip." We've been living with those "clues" for the past 30 years but if you've had your head out of your arse for even 15 minutes the past day or so, you've learned that Deep Throat's identity has been confirmed. And no, it's not Mr. X. I held out a strange hope that it would somehow be a man of this fictional caliber but I've been smacked around yet again by the mistress of disappointment. But moving on..

W. Mark Felt, former #2 at the FBI, is Deep Throat... but... is something wrong with this picture? I know he's 112 years old but look at this old dude! This is the cause of one of the greatest political mysteries of the last 100 years? Come on! I wanted Deep Throat to be some guy that, even in old age, is full of mystery and intrigue and if we can't have that, then I'll accept Diane Sawyer. Christ, maybe even confirmation that it is, in fact, Linda Lovelace would be acceptable. That'd be a helluva twist! Give me Alexander Haig's sketchy, secretive ass, David Gergen, or even Henry Kissinger.. though it's not remotely conceivable that Mr. Kissinger would ever be caught dead lurking about a garage, it would have made for a nice story. What about Cancerman?!? The X-Files taught me to demand better from conspiracy results. I'm sorry but this W. Mark Felt fellow looks like he's excited just to be wearing his Depends. So he arranged some break-ins for the Nixon administration and got in trouble. Big deal! Give me somebody with some real conspiracy meddling, not a dude that did wheeling and dealing for President Paranoia. I want a connection to the Kennedy assassination, Mount Weather, and the Vatican. I want more. And since I'm not getting it, I give this new revelation two thumbs down.

Boo. Hiss. And more. Somebody wake me up when they find the shooter on the grassy knoll.