Three Things

1) Placido Polanco was traded to Detroit for Ramon Martinez and Ugueth Urbina. I forgot to drop Urbina from my roster (I picked him up when Percival went on the DL) yesterday and he proceeded to get blown up for 4 runs and an ERA of 108 (reported ERA's of infinity are false). The good thing is Chase Utley is finally freed from the bonds of platoon-hood (Charlie Manuel, you're still an idiot but you're off the hook). And the best thing is that I can now put my full efforts into hating and blaming Adrian Beltre and Edgar Renteria for the whole of my fantasy woes.

2) I tend to sleep with the tv on and ESPN saw fit to not only replay last night's Spurs-Pistons game but the post-game commentary as well. As a reasonably foreseeable result, I was awakened 20 minutes ago from a blissful slumber by the staccato bursts of rage from Screamin' A. Smith. "That's not a bench! That's not a bench!...They were absolutely awful. They owe..." Who knows what came next. I muted the tv, closed my eyes, and tried to recapture the ecstasy that was my dream state but it didn't work out. During my off-seasons, I programmed my tv so that the irrational bleating and screaming of PTI would wake me up from my daily nap and I could get myself to evening practice. It worked well for me - sure, it was jarring, but it was more effective than my alarm. Trying to mute Mike Wilbon is about as difficult as whispering up a dead mule’s ass. By the time I found my remote, I was up for good. Mission accomplished. But in this case, all hope was lost :( I long for the completion of the 2005 NBA finals and the Draft. I think the upcoming 4-month vacation from Stephen A. is well-deserved for all mankind.

3) A 56-year-old man was robbed of his pants at a Philly adult bookstore yesterday, telling "police he was in the store's theater Tuesday afternoon and got up to go to the bathroom after watching an adult movie." Now we all know he just needed to wash his hands, but why was he even returning? Was it a double feature? Did he leave his popcorn? "The man said the only other theater occupant punched him in the chest when he returned. The punch caused him to fall backward to the floor. While his feet were in the air, the suspect grabbed and yanked his shorts off. In the process, his wallet fell to the floor. The suspect escaped with the shorts, which contained the victim's cell phone and car keys." Hmm. Unless our victim is shaped like a banana, I don't see how legs flying in the air is a possible result of being blasted in the chest. Further, how do you rip someone's shorts off that easily? Elastic waist? Don't tell me that it was a saggy pants problem - this guy is 56. The fact of the matter is that men are so weak in their post-Oh! glow that the suspect could have politely asked for the victim's wallet and gotten it with less trouble..... Returning from the bathroom, my ass.