Warren Sapp Sends Kris Jenkins To Abyss

Warren Sapp is a pear-shaped, whirling dervish who proved that faster is always better when you're down in the trenches. In his prime (I think we can all agree that Warren has peaked), he was a menacing force that never failed to bust skulls off the ball, around the blocks, and through the line. From woo!-type moves to rips, he never apologized and he never stopped. He was a player to be respected, a hunter to be feared. But unlike the greats that came before him, the masses haven't come to know, love, and revere Warren Sapp, the potential defensive legend. We are more appropriately acquainted with his better half: Warren Sapp, The Personality... the blunt force trauma to the senses whose words and antics are as amusing as they are infuriating, as refreshing as they are destructive. He calls league officials slave masters, knocks aside 160 pound referees, disrespects the pregame rituals of opposing teams, speaks into cameras to talk of only himself, and blames everyone but himself for misunderstanding the wonder that is 99. To put it simply, he's an opinionated fuck that talks too fast, laughs too loud, says too much, and goes too far. He has turned the stage of teamplay into a platform for self-promoting rationalizations but hey, he's a Miami Hurricane - an obvious product of said environment. Being an asshole is as far as it goes... right?

Wrong. Apparently, Warren Sapp unknowingly sent Panthers DT, Kris Jenkins, tumbling into the depths of despair and alcoholism:

The low point came after the Panthers’ Nov. 7 loss to the Oakland Raiders, when Jenkins was forced to watch Warren Sapp, a player he dislikes intensely, celebrate on Carolina’s field. “When we played Oakland and we lost to Sapp, I stopped going to the games then,” Jenkins said Thursday. “I was going to the games up to that point. I couldn’t go to the games anymore. After that, that’s when … I’ve never been an alcoholic, but I upped my consistency of it.

“He talks too much, he doesn’t make sense, he’s fat, he’s sloppy, he acts like he’s the best thing since sliced bread. He’s ugly, he stinks, his mouth stinks, his breath stinks, and basically his soul stinks, too."

Initially, I admired Jenkins for having the stones to call out Sapp without regret but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it's absolutely absurd. The Raiders don't face the Panthers again until 2008 - will Sapp even be playing by then? All we can really hope for is that the two meet on the sidelines at the Pro Bowl for a 635 pound rumble... that is, if either are ever good enough to return. But enough of that.. let's focus on the real point here: Warren Sapp's soul. If anyone ever told me my soul stunk, I'd kick them in the face. It's as simple as that. I'm still in awe that it wasn't enough for Jenkins to rattle off Sapp's list of stinky spots - his body, his mouth, his breath.. with those Right Guard commercials, I figured Warren would have learned to take care of a bit of that. But what can be done for his soul? You can't just shower that funk away.

Have you ever found another human being so contemptible, as to actually reach the rank soul conclusion? ... because of sports? What the hell kind of rivalry is this? Is it even one? This is beyond the Shakobe contretemps. Though completely one-sided, this madness hovers somewhere below God vs. Satan. You just can't talk about people's souls like that unless you're prepared for an eternity of battling. This kinda nonsense follows you through the tunnel. Good luck Kris with a K, you're gonna need it, buddy... along with a non-alcoholic beverage. Freak.