10 Things Every Single Girl Must Own

Someone sent me an article called 10 Things Every Single Girl Must Own yesterday:

1. A fabulous photo of yourself where your smile, hair, and bod all come together in one sexy little package. Post that sucker at eye level on your fridge so your male guest can't help but notice it as he checks out if you have beer (see #5). Keep a digital version handy so you can email it to online suitors or blind dates who want a glimpse of the goods beforehand. [The only things on our fridge are alphabet magnets, team schedules, and the menu to Golden Dragon. I'm pictured on one of the schedules but it is far from fabulous and sexy.]
2. A pretty pair of heels. You can transform virtually any outfit to make it on-the-town ready by adding heels to a skirt, jeans, cropped khakis, whatever to make you stride more confidently. Plus, the taller you are, the more cute men you'll be able to see around the room. [I'm 5'4 in cleats. What difference would heels really make?]
3. An Eminem CD. What's one of the first places a guy peruses when he walks into a woman's home? Her music collection. Good for you if you have an extensive one. But if all he sees is a stack of girl bands, he's going to panic. Balance out your collection with Eminem and you have no idea how relieved he'll be. [He needs to see rap to be relieved? Well, I hope 2Pac, Snoop, and Dr. Dre are good enough.]
4. A great pickup line and a way to blow 'em off. We can't always depend on guys to initiate contact, so prepare thyself with one simple, non-cheesy icebreaker to lay on that cutie who's making his way to your area of the bar. And in cases when a guy initiates contact and you're not interested, our suggestion: "Sorry, I don't think the guy I'm seeing would appreciate it." Sure, it's a lie, but it'll let him down easy. [I've never had a pickup line but instead of blowing people off, I just give out the number to the time & temperature man from home when asked for my number. ]
5. A six-pack of good bottled beer. A prepared single girl is ready to host and toast at any time. Skip the mass-produced swill and go for microbrews. [Be prepared to drink Guinness. I don't do Bud, Miller, any sort of Light, or other domestic bullshit.]
6. Bathroom reading. What man doesn't appreciate finding interesting reading in his sweetie's bathroom? [Any man that dates me sure won't. Toilet books and toilet book readers are both foul and unacceptable.]
7. A business card. After the age of 18, it's no longer cute to scrawl your first name and phone number on a napkin and hand it to a man who wants to call you. So if your job doesn't provide a card or you'd prefer one with your personal email address and phone number on it, then have some made at your local Kinko's or for free from vistaprint.com. A napkin he can lose. A card he'll file and keep. [Oh please. You never outgrow napkin-numbers.]
8. Earplugs. There's nothing sweeter than a man who wants to cuddle up for a long night's sleep. Unless he snores so loudly you can't get any sleep. Prepare thyself with a pair of earplugs.
9. A straight male friend on your speed-dial. Every girl knows she needs a gay male friend she can go to for fashion advice. But when it comes to relationship advice, you need someone who's been there, done that.
10. A condom. Hey ladies, you know the drill by now. If you want to be able to have spontaneous fun of the bodily kind, you have to prepare for it yourself. You can't always count on him to have something in his back pocket—or a 24-hour drugstore on the route home. If you don't want it to break, you buy it.

Maybe this list is for the single girl that is desperate for a man but I wish the author made it more clear, as only one of two things is possible: she is a boob or there's a reason why I'm not married. Aside from numbers 5, 9, & 10 (5 being an essential for life with or without men and 9 & 10 being common sense), I can't imagine adhering to any of that nonsense. Luring him to my fridge of beer so he can see my hot picture and feel reassured about things? Toilet books? Eminem cds? I have to think that if he's drinking my beer, thumbing through my tunes, and spending so much time in the loo that he needs reading material, he's way beyond interested - he's been testing number 10 out on me for a while. Blast that list. These are my single girl needs and I think they're pretty simple:

1. Sunglasses - the essential accessory for every ocular albino
2. Cell phone with unlimited minutes
3. Chapstick - the original brand
4. Ortho Tricyclen
5. Buffalo Wild Wings Grub card
6. Playstation 2
7. Internet connection
8. iPod
9. Blockbuster card
10. Guinness draught

I'd throw in Brazilian bikini wax but that's more an activity than a thing to own. But in sum, I like: keeping my retinas pain free, my lips soft, and my eggs recklessly abandoned every month; talking to no end; and enjoying wings, pints and pints of Guinness, video games, the net, music, and movies. I'm a low maintenance girl and, as you can see, barely have 10 essential items for life, let alone 10 weapons in the war against singledom. I almost feel like I'm being lazy about it.