Avoid the Magic Bullet System

As most of you know, I'm an insomniac. The only thing that bothers me (aside from the obvious) about being one is the word itself. "Insomniac" makes me sound like some sort of lunatic that prowls the street by night, seeking out the dark forces in hopes of joining their hellish crusade. That's not what I'm about.. Well, at least not the hellish crusade.. I have enough going on. I used to frequent Kinko's, Denny's, 24-hour Wal-Marts, and the nearby Speedway - all friendly homes to the insomniac - but since I nearly got killed outside the Denny's a few months ago, I've been a bit reluctant to wander about town. Instead, I waste the midnight hours parked in front of the telly with a remote in my hand and a bowl of popcorn in my lap.

I try to stick to ESPN, TNT, TV Land, AMC, A&E, and the History Channel. [I used to watch Sci Fi when they were re-airing Quantum Leap but now they only show stuff that scares the hell out of me.] But around 3-4 am, when I'm hitting my 2nd wind, most of these channels sellout to the infomercial. Try as I might to resist the siren song of Tony Little, Ron Popeil, and that crazy guy with the Riddler suit, my mum's credit card number and I always fall victim to their tricks. At times, I order because I'm easily amused, and at others, I simply want to see if these things can do what they say they can do. The Perfect Pancake, Ronco's "Set it and forget it" Rotisserie, Cold Heat, the Hot Dog Rotisserie Griller, the Donut Wizard, the Smart Ladder, the knives that cut boots and cans... We've had all of that at my house and eventually my parents bust my ass for being a mental defective and I have to return my purchases... Luckily, there's usually a 30-day return guarantee.

So tonight, I lost control yet again and ordered The Magic Bullet and The Magic Juicer. No, these aren't vibrators. They're the most versatile cooking devices on the market today! These countertop magicians will replace your food processor, blender, electric juicer, and coffee grinder while occupying only the space of a coffee mug, and it'll do any job in the kitchen in 10 seconds or less. I only wish I had a food processor, electric juicer, or a coffee grinder to replace. At least I "called now" and got an extra System for "free."

I blame this purchase on the fact that I lack any reasonable amount of common sense and/or self control.. plus TNT is airing the X-Files episodes where Fox Mulder has been replaced by the T-1000 from Terminator 2. Agent Doggett is such an unpleasant experience that I am forced to watch infomercials and TJ Hooker & C.H.I.P.s on A&E to be entertained. Shame on you, TNT.. you insensitive pricks.

The sad thing [I guess there are multiple sad things about this happening] is that I may have consented to make three easy payments of $33 [don't you ever wonder if there are other hard payments involved?] because I was hungry and thought myself far less lazy than I actually am. This was folly. The chipper couple on the infomercial made chicken salad, blueberry muffins, omelettes, smoothies, shakes, alfredo sauce, soup, salsa, and nacho cheese, all in 10 seconds and it all looked so good! It takes me 10 seconds just to talk myself into talking myself into getting motivated to get out of my chair. My line of thinking was that since it takes me a couple minutes to get to the kitchen, why waste additional time creating snacks and beverages (especially when there's a game of NCAA 2006 to play) when I can use The Magic Bullet and be back in 10 seconds? It's possible that this flawed logic is a result of my insomnia but I doubt it. The level of jackassery that I achieved with this move is unparalleled for so early in the week... I've never created snacks or beverages in my life and other than Martha Stewart and Shonda Schilling, who has? The most effort I've ever put forth in having a snack is opening a bag of Ruffles, taking the lid off the dip, and popping the tab on my Coke can. I don't even scoop ice cream into a bowl. I grab a spoon and the carton and set to work. If the ice cream is too hard, I give up and put it back. I'm a pathetic, lazy creature and with the purchase of the Magic Bullet System, I have shamed myself yet again. Please learn from my newest example of idiocy.. At least that'd be one of us.