EA Sports is the Devil

Madden 2006. The blind kid that whips up on gamers by "following the sounds" (code for mashing buttons) is better at this game than I am. It makes me sad.

My Madden Experience began positively enough. I didn't have to bend over and shell out $50 because EB Games has a deal where it accepts trade-ins going toward the purchase of Madden for a minimum of $10 a piece. While looking for tradeable games this morning, I happened upon "The Sims" - the original version. On any other day, this game has a trading value of 50 cents but if Madden is involved, it'll get you at least $10 of credit. A beautiful system. So for those of you that don't want to give EA the satisfaction of your paper but have some games you'd like to toss, all you need are 5 (or 3-4 new ones with good value) and you can get Madden for free. At EB, guy in front of me exchanged some games and a Gamecube for Madden and store credit. While ringing him up, the EB guy offered the usual "gotcha sucka!" items - commitment-free mag subscriptions, discounted strategy guide, 1 year game warranty. But after the transaction concluded, the worker held up a silver cd-rom package and said, "And also we're offering a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit calendar for your PC." "Niiiiiice!!" So then it was my turn. After EB guy's spiel, he handed me the game and told me to have a nice day. "Where's my SI swimsuit calendar?" "Oh you wanted one?" I stared at him for a moment before telling him to forget it (I i this in my best offended voice, mind you). I didn't want the cd-rom but what the hell kind of discrimination is that?!? What if I'm a lesbian that's into that type of thing? What if I have a boyfriend and I let him look at that stuff? What if I want to give it away as a gift? How is EB guy to know? Wanker!!

My first games were with Matt and I whipped up on him, first with the Raiders (vs. Chiefs) and then the Cowboys (vs. Lions). Normally, I'd be really impressed with myself but this was the first game for both of us and I simply sucked slightly less than he did. Since then, I've checked things out and, at the moment, am giving this game an enthusiastic thumbs down. I only wish I had more hands with which to give additional thumbs down.

• QB vision should be called Get Sacked Vision. Maybe I need more thumb dexterity or perhaps the synapses in my brain don't fire quickly enough, but if I can't throw to the receiver in my lighted cone of vision, I'm boned. The time that it takes to flip the view to a newly open receiver and throw the ball makes every quarterback I play with look like Drew Bledsoe.
  
• Boo on NFL Superstar mode. I gave up when I realized I couldn't make myself the theoretical mom and create a superstar son.
  
• The song remains the same: mini-camp drills, practice, layout, franchise mode, Madden Cards. What the hell am I gonna do with a Falcons cheerleader Madden card now that I've completed the Pocket Passer game situation? How do I use that, EA?!?!? Dicks.
  
• Why are the background video highlights for the Raiders full of Rich Gannon?
  
• Fill in here. I've only had the game a few hours. I've yet to discover all the things about which I can bitch and moan.

All that said, I got this game for nothing and will have fun playing it with my friends - that's all that matters. It's just infuriating (though predictable) that EA took over the football video game market, kept the price obnoxiously high, and then turned into a horde of lazy, sadsack sumbitches. Instead of working to make 2006 better than all previous Maddens, EA threw their efforts into fraudulent advertising.

This isn't Madden 2006. It's Madden 2005: The David Carr Edition.