Jay Mohr is an Idiot

But I suppose that's stating the obvious.

For reasons that are unclear to me, Mohr writes a column for Sports Illustrated, his most recent being an article on the Yankees: Where are the True Yankees? When I saw the title, I was intrigued. No one really knows what makes a true Yankee -- I sure as hell don't know. I covered the topic once in my post "Where's the Erotica?" but all I concluded was that like porn, I know it when I see it. So I held out hope that maybe, just maybe Mohr would provide some insight and fresh analysis and do so without the obligatory Paul O'Neill, Scott Brosius, and Derek Jeter mentions. But alas. This might be the most contradictory, nonsensical piece of garbage that I've read in a while. It is also a classic look at the deluded opinions of your average Yankee fan.

First Mohr justifies his fanship by sharing his first Yankee memory, where he witnessed a random moment that left him hooked. In the following sentence, Mohr reveals that he's a traitorious bastard.

Lately, however, I've had a difficult time claiming the Yankees as my favorite team... Since the Mets were wise enough to hire a Yankee as their manager, I've even been rooting for them.

The Mets?!?! The freaking Mets!?!! In what bizarro world does this make any type of sense? Would a Michigan fan switch allegiances if Ohio State hired Lloyd Carr?? If Andy Reid replaced Bill Cowher, would Iggles fans begin to see things the Steeler way? Someone oughta kick Mohr in the fucking teeth and burn his Yankee paraphernalia. I'd rather poseurs shout about their Yankee allegiance than deal with some schmarky tool that simultaneously roots for the Mets because times are "tough" in the Bronx. If you can live through the Yankee dark ages, how can you not handle present times? I hate you Jay Mohr, you stupid bastard.

Mohr then switches to his past love for Steinbrenner "spending obscene amounts of money to put the best product on the field." He also laughs at the small market teams that can't keep their players - namely, the Royals. But apparently the failure to re-sign Andy Pettitte opened his eyes because you don't trade, waive, or release true Yankees. So why is Pettitte a true Yankee? Mohr doesn't tell us. All he knows is that he doesn't like the Yankees anymore "because the men they pay to wear the trademarked interlocking "NY" are simply not Yankees" and "true Yankees are born and not made." Perhaps we should breed true Yankees, Jay. Screw the farm system and just pick em out from the womb. Then we'd know for sure.

I was hoping that with these comments, we'd finally get some definitions or insights but shame on me for having expectations. All we really get from Mohr is a list of guys who will never be true Yankees: Clemens, Boggs, Giambi, Justice, and Kevin Brown. He hits us with the Scott Brosius, Paul O'Neill, and Tino Martinez (a "true Yankee who has come home") references and also throws out support for David Wells and Joe Girardi. As usual, Don Mattingly is left as an afterthought - mentioned in passing as he relates to Tino Martinez - and classy, gritty, blue-collar players that really embody everything a true Yankee ought to be, like Tanyon Sturtze, aren't mentioned (maybe he would've been if he had a ring).

Instead, Mohr hits us with these gems:

2B Tony Womack -- should have been -- 2B David Eckstein
3B Alex Rodriguez -- should have been -- 3B Eric Hinske
SP Randy Johnson -- should have been -- SP Pedro Martinez

Eric Hinske for A-Rod?! Pedro Martinez? I don't like A-Rod but I love what he does for our ballclub, as we'd be in the gutter without him. I don't really like Randy Johnson either and was uneasy about his signing, but I can't even begin to imagine a prima donna like Mango Tree Martinez suiting up in pinstripes. Amazingly, Mohr wasn't done. Here are others that "don't realize yet that they have the potential to be 'True Yankees:'"

John Lackey, Coco Crisp, Chris Capuano, Jason Bay, Ryan Drese, David DeJesus and Dontrelle Willis. Your invitations are waiting, we have the money and you can thank me when you are all trying on your rings.

AAAAHHH!! But WHY?? Why would Coco Crisp make a better Yankee than Godzilla? How is Dontrelle Willis a born Yankee? Is it his happy go lucky attitude? Or could it be that he wears his hat askew and his socks knee-high? Maybe it's just that these players are hot this year and are frequent players in Mohr's wet dreams. Whatever it is, Mohr never says and I suppose we'll never know. The only thing this column accomplishes is making Yankee fans look bad... granted, we really need no help in that since 90% of us share Mohr's asinine opinions.