Madden Update + The Severe Beating List

After 3 days of Madden, my hatred for QB Vision holds fast and true. However (you saw that comin, yeah?), I've resolved not to turn it off in frustration, opting instead to learn to use it properly. In time, this wise move will help me crush my enemies, see them driven before me, and hear the lamentations of the women - or something to that effect.

I don't have a lot of time right now, so I'm leaving you with a fairly amusing list of 50 People Who Need a Severe Beating from the good people at Phat Phree (spotted on Paul Katcher's blog).

Our writers went to the lab to scientifically uncover the 50 people most in need of a vicious beating. We aren’t talking about a run-of-the-mill beat down. We are talking about an “I’m gonna call a couple of hard, pipe hittin’ niggas to come down here and work on the homes with a pair of pliers and blow torch” kind of beating. We are talking about the kind of battery that leaves you thankful just to be alive—an Alberto Gonzales-approved-enemy-combatant-bring-you-back-from-the-dead-
with-a-defibrillator-and-then-beat-you-some-more kind of working over—the kind of shit that leaves you with a lazy eye and lisp. We are thinking some Jack Bauer “24” shit, but without the dramatic Sean Callery score.

Sorry, no Tom Cruise or that crazy riddler guy with the question marks on his suit and the ways to get rich, but here are some highlights:

40. The Clerk at Blockbuster

Yeah, I know American Pie 2 fucking sucks but I'm going to watch it anyway. Stop giving me that disappointed look you pretentious prick.

36. Skip Bayliss

The Professional Hater. It is one thing to dish out humorous hate on a comedy site. It is a very different thing to do it for real under the guise of credible journalism. Skip is just a punk who can’t craft an interesting story without resorting to blatant bashing and baiting. Do your fucking job and cover sports like a sportswriter, you sensationalist hack.

30. Oprah

You mean to tell me you had the opportunity to call Tom Cruise out on his creepy fake-romance with a girl who used to have his posters on her wall as a child and you didn’t do it? Unforgivable. Do everyone a favor and put “How to Give Great Head” on your book list. Imagine how much more pleasant this country would be if all those chubby housewives were at least handling their business in the bedroom.

13. Robin Williams

The moral of the Robin Williams story: never stop using cocaine.

12. Sean Penn

Who knew that being an actor prepared you for so many jobs? Tom Cruise is neurological science expert; Sean Penn is a journalist… who needs college anymore? To be fair, Sean Penn has done a few political thrillers and Tom Cruise probably picked up some things from Kurt Russell (who played a psychologist) on the set of Vanilla Sky.

5. Dr. Phil

Dr. Phil managed to parlay a chance job helping Oprah win a lawsuit with the cattle industry into a multi-million dollar TV gig. All for doing little more than spouting asinine, over-simplified, backwoods common sense at a bunch of degenerate fuck-ups in order to make fat, lonely housewives feel better about their pathetic lives. How much do you want to bet me that everyone of the mouth-breathing apes he "helps" on his show are back to their same hijinks by the time their episode airs? I’m all in.

2. Terrell Owens

Is an explanation really necessary?

It's a shame this list couldn't be longer. There are just so many people that have earned the right to have a life-altering physical experience. But alas.