Need Some Prophylactics?

I've been at work since 5:00 this morning. Around 8:45, I got a small break and headed back to my office to sit on my arse and watch a little video of my kickers before practice started.

"Do you have Skittles?"

It was Rastafarian Stan, the office OIT guy. I knew he was coming. The smell of patchouli hit me in the face before he actually appeared but I held out hope that he was merely walking past. It was not to be. [Stan has the body frame of Snoop Dogg and a head like Ricky Williams. He's about 6'5, 145, has a beard and oddly shaped afro that may very well house a family of crickets, and is usually seen wearing a dashiki and accompanying hat. But don't let the externals fool you - he's a true geek that gets his jollies making Linux jokes, ripping on people when they can't open a .pdf, and getting angry when the printers run out of ink. Add in a red-paneled child molester van and a mooch mentality and you have Stan. Today, he had on a red and green striped dashiki and hat. He looked like Christmas run amok] In response to his question, I told him no in this stern, "rah!" type of way in hopes that he'd run off. "You're a liar. I had to do a virus upgrade on your computer and I saw them in your top drawer. You're hiding them." [See, I used to keep a bowl of the rainbow on my desk until I found out random office moochers were coming by and running their grubby fingers through my snacks. I started hiding my Skittles and only kept wrapped candy in plain view. But most of the time, I kept the wrapped stuff hidden as well.] "You were in my drawer?" "I had to get a pen." My head and neck began to burn with fury... Stan picks his nose. And he's not just a picker, he's a nasty digger that doesn't wash his hands after the exploration is complete. God only knows which pen he used or what other objects we contaminated. Disinfecting my whole office was immediately necessary. "Did you touch my Skittles, Stan?" "No..." He looked uneasy. "Did you?" I popped out of my chair and charged him in as threatening a manner as is possible for a vertically-challenged blonde with anger management issues. "STAN!!" "I had one Skittle." I peered at him a little longer. "A yellow one." I took another step toward him... I also noticed tofu in his beard. "Okay, I had a whole handful but only one. And then I thought I'd ask for more." That was all I needed to hear. I fetched the bowl, gave it to him, and escorted him out of my office. I'm gonna have to get a whole new bowl now.

Anyway, when I sat back down my phone rang. It was Nana and Grandfather (my mother's parents). "Darling, I really need to know if you need these prophylactics." Nana called last night as well but I pretended my signal was going out and hung up. She went on a mission trip to Africa some time ago and missionaries were initially told to bring condoms to put things in. This turned out to be bad advice and she's had them since.
"Did you ask anyone else?"
"Yes, I asked all the boys. Shiloh, Raj, Anthony, Das, David, Peter, Nikolas, Amos, Amschel, Nathaniel. They say they're not having sex and don't need them."
Lying wankers.
"And you believed that?" "Of course! They're my grandbabies. They wouldn't lie to me. So you must take them." I heard my grandfather chuckle and for good reason. I have 10 single, able-bodied, male cousins between 23-27 and not one is having sex or in need of condoms? My ass. "Nana, I'm not having sex either. I don't need them but thank you for your consideration." "Oh, nonsense." It was around then that Grandfather wisely checked out of the conversation and bid me good day. Nana continued. "I was once a young girl with urges and whims and tastes for a rash of a good time with my suitors." Suitors? "But Nana." "Not another word. I'll send you the prophylactics in the morning and you enjoy them............ Ahhhh, to be 23 again. Love you!" *Click*

So my Nana thinks I'm a ho on the prowl... But what is worse is not only could she have once been a ho on the prowl, it is also quite possible that she's reminiscing about said glory days as I type. I'm having trouble reconciling this.