Not Calling Random Hookups Has Consequences

I can't drink coffee. Well, I can but for the good of my life span, it's best that I don't. The last coffee I had was during finals last winter; it was a latenight cram session powered by Maxwell House. I loaded each cup with sugar, french vanilla Coffee Mate, and some York Peppermint Patties. I had my fourth and last cup around 2 am but at 4, I still couldn't sleep. I first thought it was a normal coffee buzz but then I started jumping off furniture and screaming and running around outside in circles. I did this for 3 straight hours and then ran the mile to class. Once there, I got my test and found a seat but you know how finals are - you have to wait 20 minutes with your pencils and anxieties while tightass douchebags to your left confuse you with a faulty information review and obnoxious tools on your right talk about how easy it will all be. A few minutes after sitting down, my buzz developed into a full-on PCP type freakout. I was wearing a knit skullcap and could feel the knit material sliding against my skin, I heard my pounding heartbeat from every possible direction. At first I thought the professor was piping in sounds through the intercom to scare us but that wasn't the case. I looked down expecting it to pop out of my chest in some pseudo Temple of Doom moment but that didn't happen either. I could feel the rest of my clothes creeping along my skin, my head itched more and more, and I could hear conversations from 30 feet away, pencil erasures, random sniffs, and someone opening a juice box in the far corner. It was like Spidey sense but from the devil. Somehow, I got through my test, ran back to my room, and sat around twitching and shaking my head back and forth like Katharine Hepburn until I crashed out on my face in the middle of the living room floor about 2 days later. My trusty housemates left me there while they had pizza, played video games, and watched tv around my comatose body. 16 hours later, I came to. "You were breathing so we knew you weren't dead. We were gonna give it a day."

Today was my first coffee since the "incident" and on Scott's suggestion, I hit Starbucks on campus. I didn't recognize the guy working but he seemed to know me. [Read all of his lines in a catty bitch voice] "Oh, it's you... Let me guess, come here to apologize for not calling?" I looked around but I was the only person around. "Yeah I'm talkin to you. I don't know who you think you are." I apologized but he went off like we were on Guiding Light. "You don't even know why you're sorry you insensitive-" but then somebody came around from the back, so he calmly asked for my order. Caramel Macchiato. His anger seemed to fade, so I relaxed a little. I shouldn't have. "I didn't know you were a coffee drinker. I thought you were a Gatorade girl." Was this a slight? I couldn't be sure. "I heard about that thing with you and the coffee last year. That must've sucked." I nodded and then my phone rang. When I hung up, my drink was ready. I drank it near the counter. It tasted weird and seemed thick but what do I know?

"How'd you like that mach?" Why do coffee people always have to use the lingo? I told him it I'd probably stick to Gatorade. Then he started talking like he was Jessica Fletcher solving the case. "It was a party in Knott your freshman year.... You were with your friends in Rocky's room. We talked and later I was pretty NICE and GIVING to you. When I asked if you'd call me, you said 'Oh yeah, sure, whatever'? Register? Remember that?" It took a minute but then I remembered [that he was pretty run of the mill at the giving] and asked how he'd been [probably the wrong move]. "Well.. I'm doing well. You know what makes me feel so good? .... Knowing I just put 10 shots of espresso in that macchiato and that your heart will explode. Have a nice day, you heartless bitch!" Then he spun around and walked in the back.

I haven't been the same since.

Boss thinks I'm on crack, I'm jumpier than a virgin at a prison rodeo, and I have this overwhelming need to run out in the streets, break things, and scare innocent bystanders. If anyone is up for causing trouble tonight, tomorrow night, or even the next night, email, IM, or call. I'm gonna be up for a while.