SportsCenter Goes Indie

The NEW YORK POST reports [where would gossip be without the Post? We'd be in a veritable wasteland of celebrity not knowing, which would force people to focus on their real lives. Sad, isn't it?] that when Martha Stewart eliminates the first contestant on her version of "The Apprentice," she'll substitute Donald Trump's trademark "You're fired!" with the less catchy, "You just don't fit in." That's no fun at all. I think she should line the contestants out across the Montauk Highway (or "Main Street" depending on her exact location) and point her Suburban at the cast off. Then she can should tear ass toward said ousted individual and literally chase him off the show. Now isn't that the real Martha Stewart way?

* I was flipping through the channels yesterday when Quite Frankly came on. But at the moment Stephen A. Smith walked out and began to speak, the sound went out on my tv. I checked to see if I'd pushed mute - nope. It's a $400 tv that's less than a year old, so if there's some type of random malfunction, I'm gonna really curse myself for not letting Best Buy rip me off with that warranty. But that wasn't the problem either. About a minute later, a graphic popped up - "Audio Difficulties." Stephen A. shouted in silence for nearly 3 minutes before ESPN went to commercial and then came back with something else entirely. It was like God was at the controls.

* Twice in as many days I've heard that Clay Aiken is gay. Not that this wasn't obvious before. But one of my new favorite sites, What Would Tyler Durden Do, shares (via RaderOnline) that not only is the painfully unattractive Clay Aiken gay but that his boyfriend is hotter than all of you.

Reichen Lehmkul, the US Air Force Academy grad that won The Amazing Race 4 with his then husband/partner/companion, has been romancing Clay Aiken while filming on the Kill Reality set. I don't know what Kill Reality is but Clay Aiken was calling the show's only openly gay star like a crack ho in need of a fix.

"Reichen swears there’s nothing going on," says our source. "But Clay kept calling non-stop. It was all very weird."

* I have another ESPN complaint/question, as it continues to do its worst (or is it best?) to attract fools and alienate intelligent sports fans. While watching SC this morning, some random anchor said, "What Ben Gibbard is to Death Cab for Cutie, Rafael Nadal is to blue courts." What the hell does that mean? They said it the other day, too, after Jason Marquis' 2-hit shutout - "What Ben Gibbard is to Death Cab For Cutie, Jason Marquis is to the Cardinals on 3 days rest." Booyah! That makes all kinds of sense because until a couple days ago, Jason Marquis couldn't pitch his way out of a paper bag on 2, 3, 4 or 5 days rest. Should I just be glad that I didn't have to suffer through, "This is how we do," "Holla at ya boi when ya something or other in the club," "Cooler than the other side of the pillow," or "illest?" Perhaps, but saving us from Stuart Scott doesn't give these people the right to inflict damage in other ways. The other day, it was the Lew Ford:Twins::James Mercer:The Shins. I first question whether anyone at SportsCenter even knows who Ben Gibbard is, let alone James Mercer, but let's pretend for a moment that they do. If you ask someone about Ben Gibbard**, you're going to get one of two responses, so does comparing Marquis and Nadal [a streaky pitcher backed by a ridiculous lineup and a capri pant-wearing, clay court prodigy no one heard of 6 months ago] to Gibbard mean that, in their respective crafts, the two are the unappreciated geniuses of their generation or that they're whining emo pussies? Our SC friends never say but that's likely because they don't actually know. I assume they mean the former and if so, they should remind the "hip" intern writing this bullshit that he should reserve the "Gibbard is a genius" analogies for the people that actually deserve it. On most nights, the only thing Jason Marquis deserves is to drive home without being followed by a van of heckling redbird fans.

**For readers over 35: Ben Gibbard is the singer/guitarist/songwriter of indie bands, Death Cab For Cutie and The Postal Service.