Bobby Bowden or JoePa Must Retire or Die

While watching the ugliest game in the history of the FSU-Miami rivalry on Monday night, I came to the conclusion that either Bobby Bowden or Joe Paterno must retire or die. To see a display of football like that was nothing short of sad - that is, when it wasn't absolutely hilarious. But when the Noles tried 3 straight running plays at the goal line and got rejected like a bad kidney, it became clear to me that Bowden has officially gone soft. I know they have quarterback issues but you can't sack up and try a quick out? Where did Bowden's balls go? Are they trapped on that grotesque statue of him over there? I'm wandering off topic.

As a fan of a specific team, I could care less about Noles football. I hope they all choke and die. But from the perspective of a college football fan, the success and strength of the Florida State football program is good for the game; the same can be said for USC, Notre Dame, Alabama, Michigan, and Oklahoma. When these programs are down, the college football landscape just isn't the same and it sure isn't as much fun, unless, of course, you're an idiot. Save the embarrassment that was the Orange Bowl in 2000-01, the last 5 years have been pretty mediocre by Nole standards. True, they continue to show up in the BCS but I attribute recent appearances more to FSU benefiting from a woeful ACC schedule than any type of prowess. With Miami and Virginia Tech now affixed in the ACC, if the Seminoles aren't careful, they won't find themselves in the Gator Bowl any longer; they'll be the Masters of the Peach.

I'm ready for Bowden to say, "Dadgummit, I'm out." But he won't. Why? Because JoePa lives. Bobby can't leave the game of football until Paterno has been shuffled loose the mortal coil or he's amassed such an incredible cushion in the all-time wins category that JoePa will have to live another 50 years to surpass it. God forbid Bowden check out early only to find Paterno is coaching from the nursing home and his 5-wins per season Nittany Lions give him the go-ahead victory. All we can hope is that the 78-year-old Paterno decides to call it quits (or is forced out) after this season with 343+ wins. This will allow Bowden to hit the road as well. He'll be fully assured that his record will stand for another 40 years, FSU can get back to relying on actual football skills and strategies to beat Miami, and I can return to bashing Florida State with the full hate and vitriol that they deserve.