Gillette & the All Seeing Onion

I'm sure those of you that read The Onion remember an article called "Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades" where the President and CEO of Gillette reacts to the 4-blade Schick Quattro:

"Sure, we could go to four blades next, like the competition. That seems like the logical thing to do. After all, three worked out pretty well, and four is the next number after three. So let's play it safe. Let's make a thicker aloe strip and call it the Mach3SuperTurbo. Why innovate when we can follow? Oh, I know why: Because we're a business, that's why! You think it's crazy? It is crazy. But I don't give a shit. From now on, we're the ones who have the edge in the multi-blade game. Are they the best a man can get? Fuck, no. Gillette is the best a man can get. What part of this don't you understand? If two blades is good, and three blades is better, obviously five blades would make us the best fucking razor that ever existed. Comprende? We didn't claw our way to the top of the razor game by clinging to the two-blade industry standard. We got here by taking chances. Well, five blades is the biggest chance of all.

In an amazing case of life imitating art, or something like it, Gillette revealed that it will skip the 4-blade razor made popular by Schick and go right to five blades with a "revolutionary new wet shaving systems for men and the world's first razors to feature advanced technology on the front and on the back of the blade cartridge." And they call it... Excalibur the Gillette Fusion and the Gillette Fusion Power.

"Gillette Fusion is more than just a next generation shaving brand, it's the future of shaving," said James M. Kilts, Chairman, President and CEO, The Gillette Company. "Gillette Fusion extends our rich history of innovation. It's a breakthrough platform that will continue to drive our category leadership."

It's like Gillette read the Onion and said, "Goddammit, they're right!" and got people on the case. In addition to having 5 blades, both razors are equipped with the Precision Trimmer blade. This tool allows men to trim sideburns, shave under the nose, and shape facial hair. I hope it comes with instructions. To add to the insanity, Gillette threw in a patented on-board microchip that optimizes the performance of the razor by regulating the voltage and frequency. It also has a battery indicator light, an automatic shutoff feature, and an Enhanced Indicator Lubrastrip that fades to white when optimal shave conditions have been reduced.

Absolute genius. Thanks to the renovations by these dips, we'll now be treated to the closest shave ever since the last razor gave men everywhere the closest shave ever. These wankers won’t stop until the first layer of skin is peeled off and even then, they'll just add another lubricating strip to help soothe the pain. Fucking retards.