The Rituals of Dr. Broom

Nothing says bonding like taking it up the egress. At least, that's what my boyfriend tells me. But it seems that a Canadian football team shares the same deluded method of thinking. During McGill University football's hazing rituals, an unidentified recruit was forced on his hands and knees, had a dog toy put in his mouth, and received a bit of the old ultraviolence from an object called "Dr. Broom." Unlike the rest of the recruits, he refused to remove his boxer shorts, so upperclassmen were only able to "poke each cheek of my buttocks as the audience counted down and then poked the stick between my cheeks and hit my anus." Yesterday, the abused rookie received a letter of apology from the team [I guess Hallmark doesn't make "sorry about the anal rape with a broomstick" cards]:

"It was never mine or the team's intention to humiliate or ostracize any member of our team brotherhood. The long-standing ritual is designed to be a team bonding experience which all members of the team underwent, it is not designed to be a hazing ritual driving new team members away."

Humiliation is an integral part of hazing. I went through it, as did any of you who were on athletic teams or in a greek system. I was stripped naked, forced to do humiliating things, engaged in strange rituals and rites of passage, got alcohol poisoning, and, in the end, had to prove my devotion to the team by being branded. It was a hellish experience from beginning to end but when it was over, I was forever bonded to my classmates and team and they to me. It was amazing......... But had anal penetration with a broom been a part of the deal, I would have run for the fuckin hills. The potential for splinters alone is a thought that's too much to bear. It's not just that the experience is traumatizing. It's absolutely disgusting. Is the broom sheathed with a condom? Is this a community broom? So what if the name of the school's chancellor is Dick Pound. I can't imagine what compels men to engage in homoerotic activities in the name of bonding. If they're going to do it, they may as well hook things up with a dildo or a vibrator and make it enjoyable.... Hmmm - too much? Sorry.

"We fully [accept] that the emotional and psychological stress it induces may not be the best way to forge relationships with new team members."

Ya think? Way to own up. There's a lot of stuff I can let go, obviously, but broom action is simply unacceptable. Too bad this happened way up in Canada. If the Crimson Tide were involved, at least they could have chanted "Rammer Jammer Yellowhammer, Give 'em hell Alabama!" I bet that would've been festive.