Government Drops Palmeiro In Favor of 2Pac

So Congress decided not to waste our hard-earned tax dollars pursuing Rafael Palmeiro on a perjury charge because there wasn't enough evidence. Whether this is true or not is of little difference to me, as I see no real purpose in continuing to go after him. His career is in shambles, Viagra banned him from schwinging for the fences on their behalf, and he's still sporting a Ron Jeremy-esque pornstache that's been serving as a homegrown cock block since 1983. The guy's life is down the tubes. In light of that, I'm pleased to report that Congress will opt instead to waste the nation's dollars on other matters of great sociopolitical import. One issue in particular presents us with the the question for the ages:

Who killed Tupac?

Rep. Cynthia McKinney, the Georgian Congresswoman known more for her paranoia and delusions of fancy than actual skills on the Beltway, has introduced a bill calling for an investigation of the murder of Tupac Shakur. The rapper was shot and killed after watching a Mike Tyson fight with Death Row Records president Marion "Suge" Knight in September 1996. Though conspiracy theories abound, the murder has never been pinned on anyone. Most believe it was the result of the heated feud between Shakur and Bad Boy's Notorious BIG, while others maintain that Suge Knight, the most despicable character in the hip hop world, conspired to kill his breadwinner because he was planning to leave the record label. But I'm here to tell you that these theories are all rubbish. It was the government - at least, that's what Representative McKinney will have us believe. Shakur was under government investigation when he was killed, and McKinney's proposal wants all government records on him released. In a laughable addition, she'd also like the government to create a Tupac Amaru Shakur Records Collection at the National Archives, as well as a second repository at the Tupac Amaru Shakur Center for the Arts in Stone Mountain, Georgia.

Wait a second. Doesn't she know that Tupac's not really dead; that he staged his own death to escape the spotlight and make a Machiavellian transformation to power? Come on, Cynthia - you fucking square.

The new legislation will be based on McKinney's Martin Luther King legislation that was, in turn, based on the legislation that will lead to the public release of all files pertaining to JFK's assassination. Apparently, Rep. McKinney missed Chris Rock's views on this matter. "We know that in 1999 a jury determined that there was a conspiracy to kill Dr. King that included our own government. To the extent that there are files available on the life and murder of Tupac, they, too should be released for public inspection. Maybe then, like the Tennessee jury, we'll get closer to the truth about the forces swirling around this young man that ended up taking his life."

HR 4210 (the Pac Bill) has been referred to the Committee on Government Reform, where it will likely languish for a very, very long time before it dies. But one day, Mr. X will kick a little nugget Fox Mulder's way... a tip about assassination video footage. With the help of Scully, Fox will learn the truth -- it was Cigarette Smoking Man all along.