Michael Irvin & Pookie: Kindred Spirits

Ya know, I feel bad for Michael Irvin. It's not that he's a tortured soul or a loveable nitwit whose childish, irresponsible behavior is ruining his Hall of Fame chances or even a guy that is so wrapped up in drug abuse that he went on Dan Patrick's show and lied about having a crackpipe when it was really a "multi-colored pipe w/ marijuana residue inside a Versace sunglass case (that also contained a lighter and dimebags) that was tucked under" the driver's seat. The problem is that after more than a decade of Irvin's nonsense, I realized that, in many ways, the Playmaker is little more than an athletically gifted, wealthy version of Pookie from New Jack City and, well, that's simply not good for business. For the unfamiliar:

Wesley Snipes is Nino Brown, a Harlem hustler and drug dealer who seizes upon the crack boom of the mid-'80s that overran the country and New York City in particular. Along with Gee Money (Allen Payne), the stuttering muscle, Duh Duh Duh Man (Bill Nunn), the homicidal Keisha (Vanessa Williams), and the rest of his gang (CMB - Cash Money Brothers), Nino fashions a crime empire a la Scarface and revolutionizes the way crack is bought and sold. Charged with stopping Nino and his crew is Detective Stone (Mario Van Peebles), who recruits maverick cop, Scotty Appleton (Ice-T) and the equally crazy Det. Nick Peretti (Judd Nelson). Appleton enlists Pookie (a young Chris Rock), a crackhead he formerly busted in a drug sting. Pookie goes undercover in Nino’s organization and gets the cops further inside Nino’s world than they had managed to get before. But it’s not long before the pressure gets to Pookie and he’s back to suckin on his glass dick. This eventually proves to be his downfall. More occurs but it's not relevant.

Okay, so that really wasn't a great comparison but I never miss an opportunity to talk about the greatest movie crackhead of all time. Sure, there was the one in Menace II Society that offered O-Dog a blowjob and a bag of cheeseburgers in exchange for some rock but he didn't have Pook's winning personality. In any case, let's assume Irvin is telling the truth and Anonymous Cracky really came to his house for a little Turkey and an intervention. How did the friend get to the house with pipe in tow? You can't just pop one in your back pocket [or can you? My crack-cocaine experience is minimal] in hopes that it a) doesn't fall out or b) doesn't smash into tiny pieces when your crackass forgets it back there, so is it fair to assume that there's a carrying case? If so, I'll bet you it has a catchy name... Apple Jack Travel Pack, perhaps, or even Geek & Go. It'll include a padded space for your lighter, another one for your vial of crumbs, and a condom space for the inevitable Menace II Society moment. What a moneymaker that could be!

You shake your head at me now but there'll come a time when ESPN can no longer stand the heat for protecting one of its own from scandal and they'll have to let The Playmaker go. When that happens, Mike is gonna need a new way to bring in the dollars and I think Michael Irvin's Geek & Go could be just the ticket.