Nick Lachey & Sports? Blame Jessica Simpson

Am I the only person that has noticed Nick Lachey's big face at every marquee sporting event in the last year? From NFL halftimes and MLB All-Star games to presenting at the ESPYs and engaging in laughable sycophancy on the USC sidelines, Lachey has been there. He's the Law and Order of the sports world. It matters not the date, time, or channel, Mr. Jessica is on the air, offering up his unique brand of Average Joe "analysis," which is usually followed by a soul-lifting tune and shameless rooting for the popular contender. When the frequency of his appearances first became noticeable, I said, "Ya know, he must be getting his name out there in preparation for the day they divorce. He'll need a job when Nick & Jessica's Family Christmas is off the table."

So here we are. The divorce is on and it's gonna be a nasty bugger. As one would expect, Jessica's the breadwinner - at least, I assume so, as I don't see how her raking in a cool $35 mil last year compares to Nick's compensation for ESPN's College Gameday and 6 episodes of Charmed. But in a surprise twist, there isn't a pre-nup and California is a community property state! How do you let something like that happen?! I've narrowed the reasoning down to the following possibilities: 1) The couple was so blinded by love that they thought their marriage would last; 2) Naive Jessica didn't realize that while losing your virginity to your husband is super, eventually, a girl's just gotta have more dick; 3) Naive Jessica thought it'd last forever and Nick was smart enough not to dissuade her; and 4) Neither knew they'd ever rake in so many dollars, so it didn't matter. I have a feeling that it's #2 but I'm hoping it's #3. Whatever the reason, this poor girl is gonna pay through the nose until Lachey remarries or Britney Spears loses the weight and takes back her starshine.

One thing is certain though - now Nick Lachey will have the money to move out of Matt Leinart's apartment. Good on ya, Nick! I hope you get millions from that filthy tart. It's not that I think you deserve to get half; I simply blame her for YOUR overexposure on sports television. The fact that she made you so insecure in the stability of your relationship (and in turn, your career) that you had to ruin the viewing experiences of millions with your on-air presence is nothing short of criminal. Luckily, you've yet to invade the English Premier League or any other facet of soccer, but since I'm a realist, I've already braced myself for the announcement that you'll be performing during World Cup 2006 intermissions. Get all the money you can and get away from sports! Good luck, buddy.