An Ode to a Gangbang

"A group calling itself the 7th Floor Crew -- the name reportedly comes from the seventh floor of the Mahoney Residential College, campus housing at Miami -- made a recording referencing multiple acts of group sex, derogatory terms for women and minorities and dozens of curse words that lasts approximately 9 minutes. School officials say the song was recorded two years ago, but that seems to offer little solace." - Pat Forde, ESPN



Some gems:

If your ho the one gettin' fucked on the 7th flo'
Then you would know, cuz the bitch don't want you no mo'
She'd tell you she met a guy who was nice and candid
I think they call him T-Good, or the "big dick bandit"
Say he had a big dick, but I thought it was random
Then he pull out the fuckin' Magnum trojan condom
And he said, "Baby, that's not how it begin,"
Then he brought in all of his 7th flo' friends
She found out there was more to Miami than just a football team
There's also the 7th floor King Ding-a-Ling
She thought 5-2 was just my number, then she realized
You multiply the bitch up, then you get my dick size
First I put it in the pussy, then in the butt
That's all full, dog, the condom is filled up
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We the boys from that Penthouse suite, slangin' that dick
If you ain't 'bout the train, then fuck you, bitch
Cuz my boys gotta hit, too
Bend over and get tattooed by the boys from the 7th floor crew
You came a good girl, but you leavin' a ho
You wonder why they call me Thundercat, but now you know
If the pussy's nice and wet, you can believe I'mma fuck it
Oh, that's it, baby... suck it, suck it.
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Chillin' on the 7th flo', I gotta let these chickens know
Big Greg is in the house, and I'm fittin' to make these hoes choke
On my balls, on my dick, then I bust a nut, quick
On her face, on her chest, stick my dick between her breasts
Come on, fellas, let's get weird, stick ya dick up in her ear
While I'm laughin' at these guys, a second nut all in her eyes

A nut in the eyes burns. That's just not cricket, Greg Olsen! But my favorite line was this one: "She thought Five Two was just my number then she realized/you multiply the bitch up then you get my dick size." Yah sure. Go take a look at Tavares Gooden. If I was ever approached by a dude with that face coupled with that dick size, I'd run for the goddamn hills. No woman deserves to be visually and physically assaulted to that degree at the same time.

Listening to these fools take themselves so seriously elicits nothing from me but laughter. At 2 or 3 am on a random Wednesday night in 2003, I was: playing video games, drinking, getting involved in random shenanigans with boys, or all of the above. At the same time, these strokers were crafting almost-rhymes to lay on this lame ass beat while BET's Uncut Booty Videos played on a flat screen in the background. There were drafts, re-writes, and tireless practices; arguments over whether they should say "trick" instead of "bitch" in the line "If you ain't 'bout the train, then fuck you, bitch." The only reasons I can think of that explain why they never said bukkake is that they couldn't find a way to make it rhyme or they simply don't know how to pronounce it. This must've been a tireless undertaking. In any case, I now feel a sense of peace where college football is concerned. The down cycles of the traditional college football powers are officially over, a true 1 & 2 are going to battle for the National Championship, and the Miami Hurricanes have gone back to the roots that were carefully cultivated by the likes of Jimmy Johnson, Dennis Erickson, Ray Lewis, and Michael Irvin. The U is alive and well... The Convicts are back.