J.J. Redick Has Two in the Pink And...

Does Dick Vitale ever get dehydrated when tonguing JJ Redick's balls for extended periods of time? Don't get me wrong, Redick deserved the treatment -- he had a monster 2nd half against UNC and even threw out The Shocker for good measure but.. well, someone still has to look out for Dick.

In any case, ESPN finally announced the Monday Night Football crew for 2006 -- Joe Theismann, Tony Kornheiser, and Mike Tirico will be joined by sideline breasts, Michelle Tafoya and Suzy Kolber. Listening to the Sunday Night trio of Theismann, Maguire, and Patrick often led me to self-abuse but I don't know if I can handle this move either. I don't like Mike Tirico and it's not because he looks like a balding, nerdy pumpkin. His play-by-play leaves something to be desired and his party-line, bandwagon "opinions" are delivered with the type of sit-at-my-knee-and-be-enlightened, smarmy condescension that can't be tolerated for more than two hours. But as long as John Saunders doesn't join the crew, I suppose I'll get on all right. As for Kornheiser, he's a curmudgeonly douchebag that knows nothing about sports and rips on people just to piss more off. The latter is somewhat amusing to me, so I like him well enough when Mike Wilbon isn't taking up the same airspace but wait a few games until the honeymoon of this new union comes to an end.. when Kornheiser and Theismann start to grate on each other's nerves. It'll come to a head in yet another trivial game with teams like the hapless Jets and Miami where, on a momentum-shifting drive in a 6-3 game, Chris Chambers makes a spectacular catch on his way out of bounds. But wait, Eric Mangini is challenging the catch! Did Chambers drag his 2nd foot? Did he have control? "That looked like a juggle to me, Tony. He didn't have control." "Let's just wait for it Joe. It looks like he had it. Two hands. Yep." "I'm telling you he didn't have control..... there was no control.... look, he's bobbling the ball...... no control....... indisputable evidence... Notre Dame... no contr--" and at that moment, worlds will collide. Tony Kornheiser will snap back into PTI-mode with his shrill, staccato shrieking and it'll all come tumbling down as he and Joe Theismann two bicker like a couple of wet cats in a potato sack. Hopefully Mike Tirico will make himself useful during these moments and throw in a timely "Immatellyawhat!"

This union will be a disaster and I can't wait for the madness to unfold while I'm happily watching on a muted, closed caption television.